Dear Elon - if you really want to kill Twitter you should sell it to Google

Android figures
(Image credit: Jerry Hildenbrand / Android Central)

Twitter, the place where people flock to argue about everything from politics to sports to K-pop icons, is gloriously dying before our very eyes. 

While this could be proof that there really is a God, the reason behind it stems from one man and his dreams of becoming a bonafide meme lord: Elon Musk.

I'm not going to lie; I am enjoying the agonizingly slow death of Twitter. I have a Twitter account (I was told I needed one over a decade ago when I got this job) but I am also the first to realize that nothing good or productive ever came from having a Twitter account. I wish I had the cojones to change my screen name to Elon and Tweet until I got booted off but I don't want to anger the people who give me money every two weeks because I like getting money every two weeks.

I know not everyone feels that way and there are people who want Twitter to survive. I don't think Elon is one of them, though. Deep down in my gut, I am 100% sure that the idea of buying Twitter was a joke that went too far. Legally Musk was forced to push forward, much like Tesla's Full-Self Driving software when it sees a small child on the road. And now he gets to either try and make some money from this mess or decide to toss away billions of dollars and watch it burn.

But there is a solution that can do both — sell Twitter to Google.

We all know about the projects that Google has started and later killed off and there are about a gazillion words written about it every time Google announces a new thing. I don't think Google launches products and services just so it can enjoy killing them off later but I do think that Google doesn't really care about the final result as long as it is able to continuously monkey around with things until they either work spectacularly well or fail miserably. Twitter is the perfect vehicle for Google fiddling.

Imagine all the algorithms that could be endlessly tweaked. Imagine the fun designers could have while constantly changing the user interface. Imagine the endless meetings where middle management could show off charts and graphs to employees who would rather be anywhere else. But most of all, imagine all the targeted advertisements and the amount of money they could make.

Usage of Twitter continues to rise. One thing is for sure: it isn’t boring!

Elon Musk

Google would probably love to own its own social media platform so it could run it straight into the ground. Forget blue verification marks, everyone has to use their real name for the first six months. Then nobody has to use their real name because it was a stupid idea. Twitter could be tied in directly to YouTube, then that link could be unceremoniously broken because it was a stupid idea. It could re-introduce circles and act like its a new feature, add a way to play horrible games through the service, and have a feature that would allow you to live stream something to the people who are right there beside you not looking at Google+ Twitter because who plays on their phone during a concert or a banging party? Everybody knows you need a good phone while you're on the toilet but not while you're at a party.

Then imagine after all the data has been harvested and all the people hate what it has become, Twitter could be shut down for good like so many other platforms that Google touches. 

Everybody wins, but you, Elon, win most of all because you would get your billions of dollars back and still get to watch Twitter die in a fire.

Elon Musk at the TED2022 conference

(Image credit: TED)

The users will survive. Nerds and people with fascist tendencies could migrate to a decentralized service like Mastodon or Telegram respectively, where you can decide which circle-jerks you wish to participate in while pretending nobody who has a different viewpoint exists in the world. 

People who want a more linear centralized approach could run back to Zuckerberg (who could really use the money right about now) and fight over fake memes that someone's geriatric uncle shared. It would be just like Twitter, only with 100% fewer birds. And who knows, maybe Gab, Parler, Truth Social, Quora, TikTok, or even LinkedIn could find a few more users. 

No matter who you are or what type of person you are, there is a social media platform that you can run to when Twitter gets evacuated by the Fire Marshal. Did we really need one more?

Of course, this would never happen because the globalist shadow governments of the world would block Google from buying Twitter, and maybe Musk wouldn't even want to sell it off and get his $44 billion back. Who knows, maybe he even wants Twitter to succeed and has kept the 11 employees who could make it happen while getting rid of the rest. In the meantime, let's enjoy the show.

Offensive Mario

(Image credit: Twitter)
Jerry Hildenbrand
Senior Editor — Google Ecosystem

Jerry is an amateur woodworker and struggling shade tree mechanic. There's nothing he can't take apart, but many things he can't reassemble. You'll find him writing and speaking his loud opinion on Android Central and occasionally on Twitter.