They say you can't beat Flappy Bird. We say they're wrong.
Flappy Bird is a ridiculously simple, mind-numbing, intelligence-sapping game that feeds off your boredom and pumps thousands of dollars into the hands of the sole developer through advertising.
Flappy Bird has become ridiculously popular in the past weeks, amassing between 10 million and 50 million total installations on Android. Flappy Bird is available on iOS. It's eventually headed to Windows Phone.
And now, we're going to show you how to win at Flappy Bird.
Some of these Flappy Bird tips and tricks will be stupidly self-explanatory. Some of them may make you laugh. Others may make you cry. (Lord knows they've made us curse a time or two.) So here goes. Here's how to beat Flappy Bird, insofar as you're able to win at a game that has no end, no purpose, and even less importance in the overall state of society.
1. How to beat Flappy Bird: Don't touch the pipes
This should be pretty self-explanatory. But if you're new to Flappy Bird, don't overthink it. You touch the screen to make the bird flap. Don't let it touch the pipes.
If you touch the pipes, you'll die. You'll lose. And then you'll have to start playing all over again. And that's no way to beat Flappy Bird.
2. How to win at Flappy Bird (and at life, perhaps): Stay off the sauce
There's a reason our nation's corps of skilled surgeons is so damn good at Flappy Bird. They've got steady hands. And probably nerves of steel. We can't do anything about the latter, but it's easy enough to keep your hand from shaking like you're about to talk to your first girl at your high school prom. (What, was that late or something?)
We recommend laying off the booze for at least 15 minutes before playing Flappy Bird. That will ensure the optimal nerve response time from your fingers to your brain, and vice-versa. You need those synapses firing on all cliched cylinders. So take one for the team and lay off the sauce.
You might also consider abstaining from any other ... intensive movements that might strain your flapping hand.
Like hammering nails. Or using a jackhammer. Anything with hammering, really. (What were you thinking?)
3. Want to beat Flappy Bird? Get comfortable!
When it comes to flapping birds, bigger may well be better. We're talking about screen size, of course. Sure, you can play on a 5-inch device, and for most people, 5 inches is enough. But some need to take in more. Pixels. For that, we recommend switching over to a tablet.
Flapping with 5 inches is fine. Flapping with 7 or 8 tends to be ideal for most folks, according to a recent information survey conducted by a major Android blog. Some folks prefer 10 or 12 inches for flapping, but for many it's just too much.
4. Eliminate distractions. All of them, if possible.
Flappy Bird requires the utmost concentration. A single distraction can cause disaster when it comes to beating Flappy Bird. So we recommend eliminating any and all distractions. If possible, lock yourself in a secluded room. (Double-locks are best.) At the very least, pop in some headphones, cover your top half with a blanket or towel, and start flapping.
In a pinch, you can do what I do — retreat under your desk.
Another consideration: If your family is distracting, consider replacing them.
5. A strange game. The only way to win at Flappy Bird is ...